I want to express my gratitude and reluctance to share my story with you.

Opening up about my experience is both liberating and challenging, as the memories of the past often resurface with a mix of emotions. However, I firmly believe that by sharing my journey, I can shed light on the complexities of domestic violence, the coping mechanisms I developed, and the profound ability to forgive.

At a very young age, I found myself in a relationship with a partner who struggled with addiction. Regrettably, his addiction became the catalyst for his abusive behavior. Our relationship endured for 10 years. As a young mother, I faced the additional burden of caring for a child while navigating the treacherous and confusing waters of an abusive partnership.

During those years, I lacked the awareness and understanding that what I was experiencing was not okay. The notion of a healthy relationship eluded me, as I had been conditioned to believe that this was the not only acceptable, but that I deserved it. Isolation permeated my existence as I was cut off from the support of friends and family. Sadly, even my parents turned a blind eye to my situation, driven by their reluctance to assume responsibility or obligation toward me and my child.

It took time to realize that I was allowing myself to be stuck in a cycle perpetuated by addiction. Breaking free from this cycle required immense strength and resilience, which I did not have the tools for at the time. Seeking solace in my career, seeking guidance from spiritual texts, and finding empowerment through the practice of yoga became my lifeline.

My path to healing has been far from linear, and it has presented its fair share of challenges. The setbacks show up every now and again even all these years later. It took so long to forgive my previous partner for the damage done to my mental and physical health. Yet with that genuine forgiveness, I am truly free from the burden of the past. I realized that my partners behavior was not about me at all and was entirely his burden to carry. Through self-inquiry, and the study of Tantric philosophy, I understood that his story was complicated and full of pain and self hatred. I found empathy with out compromising my integrity or losing my dignity.

Now, I teach yoga at a drug and alcohol recovery center. There are days when it is difficult to tap into empathy for those who are struggling with addiction. Yet, I am regularly reminded that their stories may be shrouded in complexities that are not immediately apparent.

As survivors of either abuse or addiction, we are often confronted with conflicting emotions, grappling with the desire to distance ourselves from those who have hurt us and those we have hurt, as well as distancing ourselves from the part of ourself that we prefer not to identify with anymore.

I feel it is important to recognize that behind every person's behavior lies a story influenced by a multitude of factors. Addiction, trauma, and mental health struggles can all intertwine, creating a web of pain and confusion.

In my work, I strive to approach each individual with an open mind and an understanding that their journey may not be as straightforward as it seems. It is a continuous process of cultivating empathy and extending a helping hand, even when it feels challenging.

Through my personal journey, I have discovered the transformative power of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean condoning the actions of others or forgetting the pain inflicted upon us. Instead, it is a choice to release the burden of anger and resentment, allowing ourselves to heal and move forward. Forgiveness is deeply personal, and it often takes time, introspection, and self-care to arrive at this place of liberation.

In the process of healing and finding forgiveness, I have encountered one of the most challenging aspects—the task of forgiving myself. It is an arduous journey, as I grapple with the weight of personal accountability for allowing myself to remain in such a destructive situation.

There are moments when self-doubt creeps in, and I question my choices and actions. How could I have allowed this to happen to me? Why didn't I leave sooner? These thoughts and emotions can be overwhelming, leading to a prolonged cycle of self-blame and guilt.

While I personally feel there is some degree of personal accountability that should be explored in this situation, I have come to realize that blaming myself is not the path to healing; it only perpetuates the pain and prolongs the journey towards forgiveness. It takes immense courage to confront our own vulnerabilities, acknowledge our mistakes, and take responsibility for our well-being.

As survivors of domestic violence, we must remember that we were ensnared in a complex web of manipulation, fear, and isolation. Our abusers skillfully wielded control over us, manipulating our perceptions and distorting our sense of self-worth. Acknowledging this coercive dynamic while acknowledging the abusers own pain and struggle is crucial in dismantling the self-blame that often accompanies the healing process.

Forgiving oneself is not about absolving responsibility or minimizing the impact of our choices. Instead, it is an act of self-compassion, recognizing that we deserve healing and liberation from the burdens of guilt and shame. It is a testament to our strength and resilience that we are able to confront the past, learn from it, and grow into the empowered individuals we are today.

Through the process of forgiveness, we create space for self-love, acceptance, and personal growth. It is an ongoing journey that requires patience, kindness, and understanding towards ourselves. Letting go of self-judgment and embracing self-forgiveness is an integral part of our healing and transformation.

In sharing my story, I aim to remind fellow survivors that forgiving oneself is an essential step towards reclaiming our power and rebuilding our lives. It is a profound act of self-care and an affirmation of our worthiness. By extending compassion to ourselves, we break free from the chains of self-blame, allowing the healing light of forgiveness to illuminate our path forward.

May we find solace in the knowledge that we are not defined by our past, but rather by the strength and resilience we embody as we navigate the journey of healing and forgiveness