Darkness, Desire, and the Power of “I Won’t”
Darkness, Desire, and the Power of “I Won’t”
Darkness is more than “the absence of light.” It’s the womb of transformation, where seeds of change take root long before they sprout in full daylight. This time of year—when days are short and nights seem endless—asks us to lean into our edges, to invite the unknown closer, and to actually look at the primal pull of desire. Not just the shiny desires we’re proud to declare, but also the ones we tuck under the rug labeled “I’ll deal with this later” or “I’d rather not acknowledge you.”
Perspective on Desire
In Tantric philosophy, desire isn’t good or bad. It’s a raw force driving every intention, every longing towards our deepest truth. The friction we feel isn’t from wanting; it’s from how tightly we grip what we think we want. The more we cling, the more resistance builds.
Case in Point:
“I want it, but I can’t…”
We’ve all been there, cycling through the same “I can’t” excuse. But more often than not, “I can’t” really translates to “I won’t.” And acknowledging that, frankly, stings. Yet once we own that our “can’t” is actually a “won’t,” the entire dynamic shifts—suddenly, it’s no longer about some cosmic force preventing us from moving forward. It’s about our own decision to stay put.
Recognizing the “Won’t”
Examples:
“I want to stop smoking.”
“I want to eat healthier.”
“I want a better-paying job.”
So why aren’t those realities right now? Because there’s a “won’t” in the way. It’s the barrier between where we are and where we claim we want to be. The challenge is bringing that “won’t” into the light and acknowledging it with compassion and radical honesty.
My Personal “I Won’t” Moment
A few months ago, I had a minor surgery. I ended up with a severe allergic reaction to the anesthesia cocktail (thanks, Western medicine!), and had to be on a heavy dose of prednisone for two months straight! This led to significant weight gain and all sorts of side effects. Enter the perfect excuse: “I can’t” do anything I was aiming for—too tired, too uncomfortable, too frustrated.
Over time, “I can’t” became so ingrained that my goals drifted further out of reach. It wasn’t until I sat down with the truth….that my “I can’t” was really just “I won’t” that something shifted. The fear of not reaching my goals felt safer and more reliable than trying and possibly failing. But once I recognized that, I took back agency. “I can’t” was an illusion that gave me permission to ditch accountability.
Embracing Darkness, Embracing Change
If we think of darkness as the womb of transformation, then admitting our own “won’ts” becomes the first step toward birthing something new. Sure, it’s uncomfortable. But it’s also where growth lives.
Questions to Reflect On
Where do you say “I can’t” but actually mean “I won’t”?
What discomfort or fear is hiding beneath that reluctance?
How can you hold space for both compassion and radical honesty as you face these “won’ts”?
Moving Forward
Transforming “I won’t” into “I will” doesn’t require a drastic leap. It can start with small acts of willingness—doing the breathwork, journaling, or simply pausing to ask yourself, “Am I truly incapable, or just unwilling to face the next step?” Over time, these micro-shifts accumulate, and you inch closer to the light waiting on the other side of your darkness.
Remember: The darkest part of the ourselves lies our greatest power and is fertile ground for transformation. Whether it’s letting go of excuses, confronting big life changes, or sitting with the fear of transformation, your “I won’t” moments are just shadows waiting to be illuminated. With compassion and honesty, you can guide them toward the warmth of your own inner fire.
This was inspired by my reflections after reading the book “Letting Go: The pathway to surrender” By Dr. David R Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.