Connection Versus Codependence - From the book, "Yoga of Resilience" by Kelly Golden

Yoga of Resilience by Kelly Golden is a must-read for anyone looking to deepen their yoga practice and cultivate resilience in their everyday life. The book is a powerful guide to cultivating resilience and inner strength through the practice of yoga. Throughout the book, Golden explores the paradoxes and challenges that arise on the path to resilience, and offers practical advice and tools for navigating them.

Kelly offers numerous other insights and tools for cultivating resilience, from mindfulness practices to physical asana sequences. Her writing is clear and accessible, and she shares personal anecdotes and stories that make the book engaging and relatable.

I would highly recommend Yoga of Resilience to anyone looking to deepen their yoga practice and cultivate greater inner strength and resilience in their everyday life. Whether you're a seasoned yogi or just starting out on the path, this book offers valuable insights and practical tools that can help you overcome life's challenges and thrive.

One of the most thought-provoking chapters in the book is Chapter 4, which explores the difference between connection and codependence. Golden writes, "So often, we equate support with being affirmed and having others see things our way. When someone else expresses their agreement with us, essentially confirming our 'rightness,' we equate this with connection." However, Golden goes on to explain how this desire for validation can actually make us more insecure and dependent on others.

"So often, we equate support with being affirmed and having others see things our way.  When someone else expresses their agreement with us, essentially confirming our "rightness" we equate this with connection. We desire agreement with our choices and behaviors and feel safe and supported only when we are validated by others."   

This concept really resonated with me, as I've struggled with this same issue in my personal life for years. The way Kelly describes the difference between connection and codependence was like a lightbulb going off in my head, and I could see clearly how my own need for validation had been holding me back.

When I read this section, I could feel it in my gut. This resonance of truth that I didn't want to hear. A deep and gnawing truth that I have journaled about, been to therapy for and read several books on the subject and STILL struggled to understand. 

This reminded me of a time where I had been practicing Ashtanga for several years with the same teacher and was very stuck on Marichyasana D for what felt like forever.  My teacher would come over to me and grab my limbs, forcing them into place and I would hold on for dear life.

One day, she did not show up to teach class.  I was horrified.  How would I get through the series? To make matters worse, our sub was a local wine sommelier that I knew through other circles.  All I could think about was the moment ahead where I would fail in front of  someone I knew "outside" of yoga (yes, I used to think that way).  The time came for the pose.  Much to my surprise, she was using completely different language to cue the pose, cues I had never heard before.  I listened intently and somehow my body magically contorted itself into an easeful and victorious Marichyasana D. I laughed out loud with joy. 

After reading this section of the book, I had the same experience. The language Kelly uses to describe this concept resonated deeply and suddenly it all clicked. I still have plenty of work to do with this issue, but now I feel like I have a deeper understanding of what I am dealing with.